Ten Years Later

When my husband realized he was dying, he insisted on taking pictures.

From the time I was a little girl, I’d been someone who collected snapshots in albums, but I’d lost the habit in those final few years of Brian’s illness. I was so tired, and we were so often in hospitals. I began to question the worth of almost everything that felt frivolous as my twenties wore on, like photos and decorations and even cake.

A few months before he died, though, Brian realized that death has its power and that people do whatever a dying person asks them to do. For the first time since I’d known him, Brian got assertive. He told me to take pictures, and he told people to get in the frame and smile, and we did what he said. I didn’t understand why Brian wanted this. We used 35mm film back then, and he knew he was never going to see those photos.

Ten years later, I think I understand.

I woke with the certain knowledge that Brian was dead that morning that seems so long ago. I had been sleeping on the couch, and he was in his hospital bed an arm’s length away. I called to him and went to him and shook him, but he was gone.

I’d had weeks, months, years to prepare for this, but I realize now how young I was, only 30, and how hard I’d clung to the idea that while I knew that life could be unfair, it couldn’t be this unfair, not really. I was shocked to find that I didn’t end when Brian did.

I could tell you about screaming and sobbing and falling to the floor. Those things happened, a blur. What I remember most clearly is settling into stillness, alone in the house, how I sat there a long while before I forced myself to get up, to go to the phone, and to call for help–not for Brian, for a change, but for me.

It was almost a year before I got it together enough to get that film developed. All that time, though–even through those first few months I can’t remember–I kept taking pictures, and now I have ten years’ worth of albums. I get them out sometimes and look at them when I’m feeling sad. Photos are moments, of course–edited, staged, chosen. They don’t tell the whole story, but when I look back, I see that through the years I fought grief, depression, and despair, I was also happy. There I am with my godson Lucas, in picture after picture smiling. There’s the arrival and growth of my godson Maxwell. There are holidays and hikes and vacations.

And then there are the photos from the months when Brian was dying: Brian, me, family, friends. Everyone smiling. Brian recognized this beauty for what it was and wanted to document it, for someone if not for himself. Maybe for me. The people who were there those couple months keep showing up in my albums after Brian disappeared. I have the last photo of him, of him and his dad at a baseball game about two weeks before the end. That was the last time Brian left the house, too. He wanted to go to the baseball game, he told me, and he wanted to see the progress of the construction on the new YMCA, and then he wanted to stay home until he died.

“Bring the camera,” he said.

Brian was so loved. I never knew anyone who didn’t love him, but even if that weren’t true, no one should die like that, of cancer, so young. The biggest grief Brian ever knew was his own life slipping away. He didn’t get to live long enough to learn about the kind of grief I went through, the kind that slowly, slowly taught me how to live again, differently, better.

“You’ll be okay,” Brian said to me not long before he died. “You always land on your feet.”

He had no idea what he was talking about, and also he was right. I still have to work to not get lost in knowing that I don’t deserve this amazing life I have any more than Brian deserved his death, but I am alive, and I am grateful to be alive. Every day. So grateful.

The Perks of Hanging Around a Teenager

I’ve been spending more time with my godson Lucas this summer because between work and life and other things, I wasn’t seeing him as much this last school year. And I missed him. He’s fourteen now–both bigger and stronger than me–and I hit that moment when I began to fear that maybe I didn’t know him anymore.

Pshaw.

I still know my godson, though I’ve found there’s more to learn about him.

I remember when he was in fourth grade and read his first book I hadn’t: that is when he realized that there were books in the world I hadn’t read. Now there are all sorts of things he’s consumed that I haven’t, and he’s been sharing some with me–music, stories, movies. We’ve always bonded over these things, and it’s fascinating to see how that has grown and changed and become more an exchange than an adult teaching a child. It’s awesome, though sometimes surprising–in a Oh he knows about that now? kind of way. And of course he does. He knows a lot of that. We haven’t been raising an idiot, and I love how comfortable he is talking about things a lot of kids–a lot of adults–aren’t. He challenges my comfort level sometimes, in a good way. He always has.

This last week, I was on vacation on the coast of Maine with Lucas and his family, so we got a more-than-usual amount of time together. I taught him how to make a cake and buttercream frosting and brownies, and about how it is right and good to lick off the beaters when you’re done using them. We talked about Robot Chicken, which he’s just discovered, and he got me listening to the Arctic Monkeys. Together, the bunch of us watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Lucas’s favorite movie right now, and, wow, what a great movie. There’s a scene that is just so beautiful early in the film where the main character, Charlie, is leaning against the wall alone at a school dance watching two other characters, including the girl he’s crushing on, dancing to “Come On Eileen.” Charlie watches and watches and finally forces himself to walk toward them–such a risk!–and they take him into their dancing. Who doesn’t know that moment when you see the thing you want and are afraid to move toward it? I feel that all the time, still, and so often people don’t try, and you just know watching it that this difficult thing this teenager is doing is going to be the thing that saves him.

And it does.

I want to be that person who walks toward what I want, and I want my beautiful godson to be that kind of a person, too, but it’s hard when you’re living life instead of living inside a movie where things are bound to make some kind of sense in the end.

I think often of the first time I met Lucas. I was 25 but already broken in a lot of ways and wondering how I was going to handle having another person in my life, but I fell in love with him immediately when I saw him. He was a little jaundiced, so they had him under a light with what seemed to me an inordinately large IV needle stuck in his tiny foot. I wanted to cry and then I got mad and started to read his charts and try to figure out how we could get him out of there, though I calmed down when I realized he was sleeping and calm and happy as he could be.

I guess it’s typical for people to think about who a baby might grow up to be, but I never thought about that with Lucas. I just thought about how much I was looking forward to sharing things with him, the things I loved best in the world because those seemed to me to be the only things that could possibly be good enough to match the wonder of his new human being. That has proven to be true, but I’ve shared life with him, too, some of the harder things–the death of my husband, his father’s illness a couple years ago, the myriad ways the world does not live up to our expectations. If you asked me all those years ago, I could never have told you anything accurate about what my life or his life looks like now, except that I would have said he’d still be one of my favorite people on this earth.

And he is.

Found

This morning when I went for a run, I found a dry(ish) creek bed up the road from our (temporary) beach house and decided to run on that, which led me to this:

Someone must have gone through a lot of effort to get that there, as the area is heavily wooded. If you were much taller than me, you’d probably be running into branches as you went along, though clearly that wasn’t a problem for me.

It wasn’t a problem for the mosquitoes, either, who seemed fond of the dry(ish) creek bed. They seemed fond of me as well. It would be just my luck to contract malaria in Maine.

In Which My Cat is Disappointed in Me for Giving Her Life-Saving Medication

My cat Ella has a bladder infection. Learning this was a multi-day, messy business that involved two trips to the vet during which Ella made me feel like I was what was wrong with her and that ended with prescriptions for two pills I have to give her “at bedtime,” according to the bottles. I am not sure what bedtime even is for a cat, particularly an elderly arthritic cat like Ella. All the time is her bedtime, so I decided to interpret these instructions as my bedtime–although what that has meant is that right before I go to bed, I make my sweet cat hate me.Ella Likes the New Camera

My other cat, Benny, who is not very sweet, is also not very bright. When I’ve had to give him pills, I just put them in his food bowl, and he eats them, because one of the few things Benny has internalized in his twelve years is that he should eat the things in the food bowl.

Ella, on the other hand, is fooled by nothing. Through the years, I’ve tried disguising pills in countless ways she shuns, and now we’ve settled into a routine where I cradle her in one arm while using the other to open her mouth and pop the pill straight down her throat. I have gotten better at this, and Ella has correspondingly gotten better at giving me the most disappointed look after I’ve given her a pill, like How could you? She puts her ears back and her pupils get all wide and she even stops purring, which is notable since that cat even purrs when she’s sleeping. I have to hold her there for a while, too, because if she can, she’ll try to keep the pill in the back of her throat until she can go spit it out behind the couch.

I admire her determination, but I also want my sweet cat to stay with me for a while longer. Years longer. At this point, I’m not sure she feels the same way. Amy and Arthur were here for TV night earlier, and I think she would have been happy to go home with them, though she probably would have felt differently when she got to their house and saw their cats. Ella’s sitting next to me now, though, and purring. She will again a few minutes after we do the pill routine.

She doesn’t know we have another appointment with the vet on Friday.

My Kitten

Yesterday, I referenced a kitten that Jason had gotten for me and realized that I have somehow (shocking) never mentioned him at WATAT. His name is Scrap:

I Love Scrap

I am in love with Scrap:

Untitled

Technically he belongs to Jason, Amy, and Ethan, and he lives at their house. Scrap seems to like them:

Amy and Scrap

Still,  I think of him as my kitten. The only reason I haven’t stolen him is because I fear if I bring him home, Ella will eat him. Also, I guess I have enough going on that I can’t keep up with. But still. He’s just. so. stinking. cute.

The Kind of Thing I Write If You Pester Me Too Much About Writing in Your Birthday Book

Jason turned 40 yesterday and had a huge party today to celebrate, which I commend. I love being 40 and think everyone should celebrate the milestone joyfully, and it was a fun time hanging out at the park with so many friends.

Of course, Jason thinks that his birthday gives him the right to be all bossy, and he kept insisting that people write in his birthday book. I decided to write something from the heart:

This is the Kind of Thing I Write When You Remind Me 500 Times to Write in Your Birthday Book
You really are okay, Jason.

And the brownies really were amazing. I’m not going to parties anymore unless a.) Xandi is invited, and b.) she brings those brownies.

Quotable Saturday

“This is just personal preference, but I find the world so tumultuous and hardscrabble and generally terrifying that I will never tire of stories about people caring for each other, and doing nice things for each other, and in a very basic way trying to make each other feel less alone on Earth… It’s explicitly the theme of Parks and Rec–that people need each other to be happy, that communities are important, that nobody achieves anything alone.”
-Mike Schur in Poking a Dead Frog: Conversations with Today’s Top Comedy Writers by Mike Sacks

Most Accidents Happen in the Kitchen

“I think I unburdened myself. I don’t know. The heart’s a funny thing; the mind’s a funny thing.”
-Marc Maron in WTF with Marc Maron, Episode 517 (July 24, 2014)

A few weeks ago, I cut my finger while attempting to separate some baby beets from their greens. I wish I could report that I wasn’t doing something stupid when it happened, but what I was doing was holding the beet greens with one hand over the sink and using my chef’s knife, which I’d just sharpened, to cut the beets so they’d fall directly into the colander. I’d gotten the beets from the farmer’s market, and they were full of dirt, so I was trying to minimize the mess.

I knew the cut was bad right away because I felt it, but it didn’t hurt immediately. I dropped everything into the sink and grabbed a paper towel to cover my finger. This sounds like good first aid, but I really just didn’t want to see whatever I’d done to myself, mostly because I didn’t want to have to go to Urgent Care and get stitches. I wanted to make this unhappen. I wanted to finish cooking dinner.

The pain hit on a slight delay, strong enough to make me sit straight down on the kitchen floor. There are a few things that keep me in therapy. The biggest one is that when I get sick or even if I, say, hit my leg hard enough on something, I get vertigo and pass out. Emotional shocks can do this to me, too. My doctor says this is because my heart stops. “Just for a beat or two,” he says. “It’s not so uncommon.”

This will explain the amount of time I spent sitting there on the floor trying to will myself into not fainting. The last time I got sick and passed out, over the winter, I wound up with a black eye and had to spend the next week convincing people that no one was beating me. And I hate waking up on the floor and having to piece together how I got there.

Finally my ears stopped ringing, and I felt like I could stand up. I went to the bathroom and managed to rinse, dry, and put a band-aid on my wound without really looking at it. I bled through four more band-aids before the bleeding stopped and I could finish making dinner. It was a warm beet green salad with roasted baby beets and a balsamic vinegar reduction dressing. It was delicious, much more satisfying than a trip to Urgent Care.

I should have gone to Urgent Care.

I figured this out a few days later when I worked up the nerve to take a good look at what I’d done. I’d been dutifully cleaning the wound and applying fresh bandages, so it wasn’t frightful, but I did have a cut that went about a quarter inch straight in from the side of my finger, right through the nail, even. I am fortunate that in the subsequent weeks, the wound has healed cleanly, though a tiny bit of my finger–not so much that you’d notice if you aren’t me–is gone. The nail has almost grown out and shouldn’t look weird. This is my left hand, which had a dramatic scar through most of my life that has finally faded to the point where people don’t ask me about it all the time, which never bothered me, though my scar story seemed to disappoint people. Usually a scar’s from some ordinary thing, like making dinner.

It wasn’t always like this with me and the passing out. It’s something that came with accumulating years on this earth, like grey hair and an inability to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl. A body tells its story eventually, one way or another. Mine’s been telling me a story about needing to slow down a little and stop trying so hard. It’s telling me to take the extra minute to get out the cutting board. My therapist would say that maybe it’s telling me it’s okay to make the mess.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s a gift in this life that there’s always something left to learn.

Adventures in Radio

Earlier today, I was on WXXI’s Connections with Evan Dawson radio show talking with Stephen Cook from the U of R, Deb Ross from KidsOutAndAbout.com, and Tonia Burton from the Central Library about keeping kids’ minds and bodies healthy. You can listen to that conversation here. I really enjoyed the opportunity to do a radio show (a first for me!) and to hear such smart, passionate people talking about something that means a lot to me. I hope you enjoy it, too!