“Loss is a horrible, powerful reality of being alive. We are equipped to process it no matter how horrible.”
-Marc Maron, “I Related to the Hulk”
It comes apart
The way it does in bad films,
Except the part
Where the moral kicks in.
-LCD Soundsystem, “All My Friends”
The other morning, I was sitting drinking my coffee and watching Maxwell play with Brian’s old toy cars. I got to wondering, as I sometimes do, what Brian was like when he was a Kindergartener playing with these toys. Was he exasperating, as Maxwell can be? Did he sometimes get absorbed, the way Maxwell does, and forget everything besides the complicated crash scenarios he was narrating? I wonder what type of child Brian was and what type of adult Maxwell will be.
Sometimes Maxwell says, “I feel sad for you because your husband died.”
“Thank you, Baby, but you don’t need to feel sad for me,” I say. “It was a sad thing, but I’m okay.”
Other times he says, “I feel sad for your husband Brian, because he died.”
“It is sad,” I say.
Last week, he said, “I have good news for you! You will see Brian again after you die, when you go to heaven. I’ll meet him there, too.”
I didn’t tell him that I have never let myself believe that. If he can believe it, maybe it will be a comfort to him. I know that belief is a comfort to a lot of people. I don’t find it comforting; I find it scary. I have always feared the trap of trading now for later.
Maurice Sendak said, “I think the most graceful thing offered us is sleep without dreams. That is so sensible.”
Sometimes I believe that.
Every once in a while, I still write these posts to Brian, that ideal reader who almost always caught my references. I have a whole pack of ideal readers now, though. I write for all the people I love, whether they’re reading or not.
Sometimes I want to tell Brian about this life that would not have happened if he hadn’t died. I am never going to believe that this was part of some cosmic plan in which everything happens for a reason and turns out for the best, but my life is so good right now.
I’m always reaching for something, but I am happy.
I am letting to of a lot of things, but I’ll save those cars in case Lucas or Maxwell has children one day. Can you imagine? The world is full of wonders and miracles.
Sometimes I sit and drink coffee and watch my godsons play with old toys.
Sometimes that is enough.