In Which I Kill Elmo

I did not sleep well last night.

This is how it goes with me most of the time. I can’t get the arrangement of my pillows and my arms right and then I start thinking about something and almost fall asleep but then I remember something else and I’m awake again and then–ugh–doesn’t my arm hurt? And shouldn’t I move that pillow? And wouldn’t I be more comfortable lying on my other side? Then, maybe, I get cold and have a lengthy inner debate about whether or not I should get up and put on socks.

It just goes on like that. Every person I’ve ever shared a bed with lies down, closes their eyes, and goes to sleep. It’s the most amazing thing. If I close my eyes and become unconscious, it’s because I’ve passed out, and there is nothing restful about that because then everyone just shouts at me until I wake up.

And so I was awake a lot last night.

I guess it was about 3:00am when I heard an odd noise. Now, when I heard an odd noise in my old house, I’d get scared and have to go check every single door and window to make sure they were all closed and locked. I never get scared here. The house is old and creaky, and there are other people living in it, which means there are noises going on here all the time. Also, I have this huge staircase, and I think most ne’er-do-wells aren’t in it for that kind of effort.

So I ignored the noise.

Then I heard something else. Then something else. Then something else.

And I started to think something weird was going on.

Finally, I realized it was Elmo.

A few years back, Tammy got me a Shake-It-Up Elmo doll, which is a little plush Elmo that says funny Elmo things when you shake it. The boys and I love that doll and have been shaking and occasionally throwing poor Elmo for years. Because that’s the kind of people we are. I guess all the shaking finally got to Elmo, though, because last night, he wasn’t saying anything charming, he was just kind of making random sounds. I kept thinking, Oh, well, that’s the last time that will happen, because I didn’t want to have to get up and go all the way into the next room to try to figure out what to do to shut up Elmo.

After an hour of that, I realized Elmo was not going to shut up. Also, it was about 5:00am, and I only had two more hours to try to sleep.

That is when I got the scissors.

I will spare you the details of what happened to Elmo, but I feel confident that he’s not going to be making any noise tonight. Or ever. And it’s altogether possible that I may sleep tonight. Or not.


  1. tonderdo
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

    Max: Why are you laughing?
    Me: Aunt Adrienne is funny.
    Max: Why?
    Me: Max, I have bad news, Adrienne killed Elmo.
    Max: At least it wasn’t Cookie Monster.

    Our Elmo hasn’t developed dementia yet…

  2. adrienne
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:11 pm | Permalink

    If Max was here, he totally would have helped.

  3. Posted January 25, 2013 at 12:06 am | Permalink

    Oh, um, so I won’t tell you what happened to my sister’s Care Bear, then. Or her Tickle Me Elmo. Or anything else.

    By the way, we should never have a slumber party, because unless I was handing out the L’Ornithine and the GABA, I can see we’d just be twisting up the covers. That sounds EXACTLY like how I (don’t)sleep.

  4. Posted January 25, 2013 at 12:06 am | Permalink

    It’s probably a bit … well, prurient, I guess … but do you have pictures? Please? The Death of Elmo could become a thing, if only there were pictures. Perhaps creatively posed?

  5. adrienne
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 8:26 am | Permalink

    Tania, Those dolls are kind of all asking for it.

    David, I didn’t even think to take pictures. I was just so tired. This is what happens when one is deprived of sleep.

  6. Jen Robinson
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 12:30 pm | Permalink

    Hilarious! We completely took the battery unit out of the tickle me Elmo. It was him or us, and we’re bigger.

  7. Posted January 25, 2013 at 6:25 pm | Permalink

    NO!!!!! Say it isn’t so.

    You can’t kill Elmo. You can’t you can’t you can’t.

    Now I will be up all night feeling sorry for him.

  8. Heidi
    Posted January 26, 2013 at 3:21 am | Permalink

    How brutal. Aren’t there homes for elderly Elmos?

  9. adrienne
    Posted January 27, 2013 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    Jen, Yes, and you were also here first!

    Sorry, Jama and Heidi! It was late; I was tired. I will try to treat my stuffed animals more responsibly in future.

  10. Posted January 28, 2013 at 7:53 pm | Permalink

    The best Cookie Monster-meets-computers cartoon ever:

  11. adrienne
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

    That made me laugh.

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