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December 04, 2005
Dreams
This is another recurring dream: I’m looking for Bri. I usually have an idea where he is and sometimes I have the sense he’s avoiding me. For the longest time, I never found him. I only started finding him in my dreams this past summer, and when I manage to find him, it always turns out that he can’t speak.
He did speak in a dream, but only once toward the end of the summer – and it was a different pattern entirely. I was working at McDonald’s in a mall and suddenly realized that I needed to leave to go meet Bri, which I did. I found him in the middle of the mall, which looked strangely like WPL’s central lounge, and I had this sense that I hadn’t seen him in a while, but not why. We talked and talked and talked in that dream, and then he walked me back to McDonald’s so I could finish working. I remember waking up that day feeling as good as I’d felt in a long time. The whole dream felt comfortable and happy, a welcome relief.
Not so much with the searching dream. I had it again last night, again I found him, and again he couldn’t speak. (Notably Dad and I were living back at the house in Hamlin, and there was a strange subplot involving a neighbor child who everyone said committed suicide but who I believed was murdered. So while I was looking for Bri, I was hampered by the need to elude the murderer, who I felt was lurking about. I don’t know what that was all about, and I probably don’t want to know.) I woke up this morning with such a strong sense that I needed to go find Bri, and, although I remembered that he was dead pretty quickly, it took me a good half hour to shake the feeling that he might be nearby, just out of reach.
Last week, I spent some time with a woman from high school who lost her husband in July. It was good to talk to her. There are so many things I think only another widow can truly appreciate (among them the absurdity of saying you “lost” your husband or referring to your husband as “late”), and I found it comforting to be around someone who understood those things. Of course, it was also jarring to be in the presence of someone whose loss is still so fresh. On the one hand, I really saw and appreciated how far I’ve come and how much my life has moved on. On the other, I felt like I had to shelter this poor woman from how much the widow thing is still going to suck for her a year from now. Some days the simple fact that Bri’s dead has the power to flatten me; my mind is somehow still trying to figure it out, even when I’m sleeping.
Maybe tonight will be blessedly dream-free.
Posted by adrienne at December 4, 2005 05:28 PM
Comments
Stupid holidays. I still have moments where I want to tell Bri something or share a dorky joke and then remember I can't. I guess the benefit of only sleeping 2 or 3 hours at a time is I do not have the chance to remember my dreams. I think that the impending arrival of Max may have something to do with this because Bri was such a big part of Lucas's arrival. You had just moved back and Bri had been here (clink, slurp) for that week or two before you had the townhouse. It just seems like a piece is missing right now.
Posted by: tonderdo at December 4, 2005 07:59 PM
I kind of know the feeling Adrienne, because there have been many nights that I hoped I would dream of Brian and didn't and other times where I did , but it was always of Bri when he was very young and oh so cute..Either way , I would wake up with a very good feeling that lasted until I realized that he is gone. Thanks for sharing such nice personal stories both of you, it makes me feel good(sad too), but good.
Posted by: Bri's Mom at December 4, 2005 10:20 PM