What Adrienne Thinks About That

Sounds like a good set of rules to live by even if you're not grieving.

*This* one should be published.

So, #1 really got me. It is particularly profound.

Do you have moments of fearlessness now? I mean, unlike any you experienced before Brian died? Like, *extreme* moments of fearlessness? Or is grief too overwhelming to ever get that spin on it?

Does that make any sense? Sorry - it's early. I guess what I mean is - when people have a near-death experience it sometimes makes them live life more fully and fearlessly. I was wondering if it could be the same in a real-death experience.

You forgot write, anything and nothing because it helps you deal. You also forgot, "Listen to your best friend and do not throw everything away at once."

I think laughter should be in there somewhere too, it is very difficult and can induce guilt but it heals and makes you remember that you're alive.

Yes,this is a most excellent survivor's guide.And I'm glad you didn't put time limits on anything.You can bring up Brian anytime...he was a very large part of your life!It doesn't mean you are stuck in grief.Emotions flow like waves,coming and going.As you point out,the only way through the pain is to face it,honor it and it will flow on,comming back at odd times.

In the end,I think what makes it all bearable is that you wouldn't trade the time you had with those who leave early just because they are gone.They never really go.And you know Mr.Brian so wanted you to find love again with someone like him,a best friend who loves you more than himself.I know because he told me such things.And on this anniversary I feel him about now and then.Really.Call me crazy if you like,but stuff has been mysteriously falling over & things.So I quietly say,Ok Mr.Brian,I see you've met my brothers--don't listen to them!Always playing jokes!

One of my favorite conversations from the last two years, on the way to the Y:

Tammy, stopping the car to look both ways before crossing the railroad tracks:"I'm always thinking a train is going sneak up and hit the car and kill me."

Adrienne: "At least it would be quick."

That falls under the fearless category right?

That fearlessness is tricky.Sometimes you should be afraid!Very afraid!It is a protective emotion.I guess you are talking about fear of death.The older you get or the sicker you get the more the fear of death just goes unless you have OCD about it.

I've been enjoying your comments today. :)

When I think of not letting my fears control me, I guess I think of silly things like learning how to swim so I wouldn’t feel all self-conscious when I’m around water and forcing myself to be in high places so I wouldn’t avoid them. On a deeper level, it took some real courage to start doing things like going to movies and museums and traveling by myself. It has always been my policy to live life fully, and watching Brian die and having to go through this grief has taught me that this is the way I need to live. To me, fearlessness is a different thing than recklessness. Any dummy can play chicken with a train. That’s about getting an adrenaline rush, which is a different thing altogether. Tammy and I were just having a conversation about this last week. To me, *real* courage is about loving people and taking emotional risks and making sacrifices. It’s amazing to me how people will turn away from love just because they’re afraid. You see it all the time. It’s sad.

That said, I’m not one bit afraid of dying. I don’t want to die, mind you. There’s way too much I want to do. But I don’t worry about what will happen to me when I’m gone. I feel safe, like whatever comes next will be okay, and like I can concentrate on making the best of what I have here on this earth right now.

So I don’t know if that answers your question, JJ, but I guess it’s a little more of what I was thinking there.

Wow, Adrienne. What a post. Good for you!

You really are an amazing person Adrienne, and I know that Bri thinks so too, wherever he is.I hope someday you meet someone who loves you every bit as much as Bri did, you deserve that and more, as PS said. You went through a lot of tough times with him and now it's time for some fun and happy times again for you. I'm sure he's looking down and smiling as he watches you go through life. Your ten Rules for surving widowhood were right on, you are a good example for how to do it! Loving thoughts come your way!

Thanks, Linda. I'm thinking happy thoughts for you this week, too.

I think your 10 rules are absolutely publishable!

thank you for info.

I'm going to print your 10 rules and paste it on my mirror.

I 'lost' my husband of 22 years in November, 2007.
It feels like yesterday.
All I want to do is cry or sleep.
I have a grand to watch over though, 'we' have raised since birth. Now I'm on my own and it makes my grief even deeper, when I look at this child, being so strong. Yet grannie is falling apart. I make sure all is there that this child needs, but I know this child needs me the most.
I hate that I feel so helpless! so lost.

Thanks for stopping and commenting, Kat. The weight of grief is a horrible thing to fight every day. It feels endless, and it takes a lot longer to get through than you want it to, but I promise that eventually it gets easier and life finds a normal place again. It takes time and it takes just what you're doing--getting up every day and trying.

Hi Adrienne,

I just wanted to post here, to let the world know how thankful I am to have found your site.We have shared a couple of personal emails, but I wanted to post it here as well.

It means so much to know there is someone out there who really understands!
Thank you so very much for taking the time to answer me so personally.

Today was a good day. I'm learning to take them, "one day at a time" and be grateful for the ones that are good.
My sweet grand searched and searched last night for his 4 leaf clover necklace we gave him. Then he remembered. He put it in his poppies pocket.
It should have dropped me to my knees, him too. Instead we smiled and felt good it was with him. He said "well, at least I remembered where it was, I was so scared I lost it! Now I know it's safe"

As Arnold says.."I'll be back!"

Kat

:)

I'm glad it was a good day.

I just stumbled onto this website today, following a weekend where all attempts to keep myself entertained and occupied came to a halt somewhere around Saturday afternoon. I succumbed to the wretched, frustrated, lonely feelings that seem just below the surface these days. And I'm thinking that the best friends in the world cannot make this go away.

It has been 5 months since my husband died. I really appreciate the 10 Rules posted here, thank you.

Thanks for posting, Nori. Some days I think you just have to FEEL it, but then other days you don't. It gets easier, but it's hard work for a while. Keep trying, though. You'll get there.

Finally found people who may understand what I am going through. My husband died over a year ago. We had been married almost 37 years. Our children have grown and gone, so it is just me and the dog. I am trying to get used to the lonelyness and the quiet. Weekends are the hardest. Had to laugh at your admonishment not to throw everything away at once: why is there such an urge to do that? I never thought I would be a widow, but who does? Courage to us all.

Thanks for stopping and commenting, Gayle. I find a lot of comfort hearing from other widows. I was just talking with a widow I work with last night--we've both been widows just over five years--and we were talking about the things that are good in our lives but also some of the things that still bug us. I've been going through some of my late husband's things again, and that's one of those things that's just really hard on a lot of levels.

I've gotten so I love quiet time at home, but it used to wear on me a lot more. When it gets to me, though, I'll usually watch something funny or go out to my favorite coffee shop around the corner and read a book or something. Sometimes I think I just have to distract myself and get my mind thinking about something else.

Grief is just a lot of work. Be kind to yourself. I wish you blessings and peace.

I also wish you blessings and peace.And I hope you are taking very good care of yourself.

Just found your site. MY husband of 45 years died just 5 months ago. For 2 1/2 years we knew he would eventually lose his battle to live...didn't make the actual loss any easier! What I just can't stand the thought of is going through the rest of my life without someone to love. I love my 2 grown kids and 4 grandchildren but they live at a distance. 5 weeks after my husbands death we lost my elderly mother who we were caring for with my brother. I am in a new state..have had no time due to caretaking for my mother and going through multiple surgeries and radiation treatments for my husband to make more than one good friend. I know I need to create a new life for myself but nothing I can think of yet in my mind will ever help enough to relieve the loss of someone who was the center of my life ever since we met and married in college. I am 67--still fully alive and want to live fully the life I have left. I don't understand how anyone gets over and through this and ever feels any longlasting happiness again.. I am able to distract myself for several hours at a time, then I'm right back missing what I'm missing. Will this ever go away and what will help???

I wonder the same things myself from time-to-time, but what has helped me the most is working to build a new life, which is really hard work and overwhelming. I dabbled in this and that for a while, I went to therapy (that REALLY helped), and eventually I found myself building new routines and writing a book. I started blogging, too. It's a very step-by-step process, and slow, but you'll be surprised one day to find yourself looking forward to things again and finding life less difficult.

I cried a bit today for you and Brian.Yes.You have worked very hard.