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July 09, 2008
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 10
[Ed. Note: Amidala’s last entry found the queen questioning the fairness of dynasties while simultaneously hatching a plan to retake Naboo from the evil clutches of the Trade Federation. Read the rest of Queen Amidala’s Diary here.]
Long Time Ago
Naboo
calores: 376, alcohol units: 3 (helps my blasting), cans hairspray, me: 0, cans hairspray, decoy: 2.5, winning lotto numbers: still nothing
Oh my Creator, that was awesome. I was awesome. I bet all those I-Was-Born-Queen-and-I-Get-to-Be-Queen-Forever-No-Matter-What-I-Do Queens can’t kick half as much ass as I can. Not that anyone appreciates it, but whatever.
Things started off pretty bad because Qui-Gon insisted on bringing Obi-Wan AND the kid AND R2. Maybe next time we try to sneak into the palace, we should bring a marching band. Anyway, we pretty much just got into the palace when we ran into this guy with a red and black face and these little horns or something sticking out of his head. He was gross. Qui-Gon was all like, “We’ll take care of this.” And I was all like, “Great, because I just threw up a little in my mouth.”
We used the whole queen decoy thing to capture the Viceroy. That trick is never going to get old, although I’m always a little insulted that people buy that Sabé is me. I mean, she’s a little hippy. I have to tell her to lay off my M&Ms. Of course, the thing that really saved us was the blaster in the secret compartment in my throne that Captain Panaka told me was such a bad idea. Queen=1, Panaka=0. Really, though, capturing the Viceroy was kind of easy, considering this is someone who took over my entire planet in, like, five minutes just last week. Speaking of which, I cannot believe the mess the Trade Federation made of my palace in just seven days. It’s like they had a non-stop kegger: there are empty bottles everywhere, the trash cans are all overflowing, and I swear it’s going to take me a month to air the place out. Not that that’s going to be much of a problem, what with the fact that practically every window in the palace got broken with all the battles and whatnot. There goes the money for that new starship I’ve been wanting to buy.
So we have the Viceroy in detainment, and I’m waiting for Mr. Big Shot Jedi to show up again, because don’t think he’s even bothered to check to make sure I’m okay yet. I suppose I’d better go find him. He and Panaka are probably out having beers in the courtyard. I don’t know why I even bother.
Posted by adrienne at July 9, 2008 12:59 PM
Comments
So, what exactly was Padme drinking? Three shots of 100 proof vodka, with nothing added, comes to about 240 calories. That leaves enough leftover for maybe a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Little thing like the queen running on that, no wonder she was feisty...
Posted by: jp at July 9, 2008 11:47 PM
You and your calories. I'm afraid the Queen won't give me specifics on this point. Maybe next entry.
Posted by: adrienne at July 10, 2008 12:39 PM
My favorite line: Maybe next time we try to sneak into the palace, we should bring a marching band.
I wonder, does Sabe have a diary of her own? It's got to be rough being the decoy.
Posted by: Alkelda at July 11, 2008 12:33 AM
I would surmise Padme is drinking whatever the hell Padme wants. You know...being the queen and all.
I would also surmise that Padme's calorie counts are whatever Padme wants her calorie counts to be. You know...being the queen and all.
Posted by: Sabrina at July 11, 2008 10:24 AM