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August 31, 2008
Ten Rules to Help You Survive Widowhood, a Reprint
[Ed. Note: I first published this post a couple years ago, and it has since remained one of the most-viewed entries on my blog. You’d be surprised at how often—at least once a day—the Google search “how do you survive widowhood” leads to my blog. I remember what it was like to be at the other end of that search. Reposting my rules seemed like a decent way to honor the fourth anniversary of Brian’s death, partly because they remind me of how far I’ve come and partly because it seems there’s nothing else to say.]
About a week after my husband died, I started reading a book that cited some less-than-encouraging statistics about how many widows die and/or experience severe injuries or illness within a couple years of their loved one’s death. I got completely freaked out and decided that I wasn’t going to read any more books about grief. Instead, I made up my own list of rules for surviving widowhood. They’ve served me pretty well, so I offer them to you*:
1. Don’t let fear control you. Your scary thing already happened, and – look! – you’re still here.
2. If you need to cry, just cry. If you avoid it, you’re just going to feel like crap.
3. If you’re tired, sleep. Grief is exhausting.
4. You should look as good as you can as often as possible. Aside from the fact that this will help you feel better, it will encourage people to stop treating you like you’re completely sad and pathetic, even though you are completely sad and pathetic.
5. Eat three meals a day. This sounds easy, but it’s not when you’re grieving.
6. Exercise on a regular basis. It will help you work through anger and depression, and it will also help you accomplish Rule #4.
7. Speaking of anger, find ways to deal with it that don’t involve taking it out on your remaining loved ones. You’ll take it out on your loved ones without meaning to, of course, which is why it’s important to try to channel as much anger as possible in another direction, such as picture books by Madonna.
8. Talk about your grief and the person you lost. Your existence is going to make people uncomfortable whether you talk about what happened or not, and people are probably wondering what you’re thinking and feeling even if they can’t figure out how to ask. Talking about grief is part of what makes it real and helps you work through it. Some people choose to, say, start a blog and then insist that their friends, relatives, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers start reading it.
9. Travel. You’ll be sorry if you spend a lot of time avoiding your grief, but it’s good to take a vacation from it every now and again.
10. Avoid people who aren’t loving and caring. This is a good rule for life in general, but you really aren’t emotionally stable enough to deal with a bunch of nonsense when you’re grieving.
*Note: I left off the rules that should be obvious, such as, “Don’t jump in front of a bus.” I mean, if you’re jumping in front of busses, it’s hard for me to believe that you’re taking surviving seriously.
Posted by adrienne at August 31, 2008 12:33 AM
Comments
Wow, I had no idea Adrienne. Am going to email this link to a friend who lost her son last year. This rules would apply to her as well. Looking forward to meeting you in a few weeks.
Posted by: Jone at August 31, 2008 10:04 PM
Wonderful article. Very sound and good advice. elaine
Posted by: Elaine Williams at August 31, 2008 10:46 PM
Me too, Jone. :) I am sorry to hear about your friend losing her son. I remember that for me with my husband, things were still extremely difficult after a year. It's amazing how much concentration it can take to persevere.
Thank you, Elaine.
Posted by: adrienne at September 1, 2008 12:33 AM
Wanted to comment yesterday, but the internet was down.... :p
Hugs to you... :)
Posted by: Kristen at September 1, 2008 07:21 AM
There's nothing much else to say except,that you were and are a very perceptive and smart survivor Adge.By reprinting this blog, I'm sure you've helped a lot of other's who are going through what you(and all of us)went through 4 years ago. Hard to believe it's already been that long, time doesn't stop for grievers and your blog will help get them through it, with insight and love. My love goes out to you Adrienne,yesterday,today, and everyday.
Posted by: Bri's Mom at September 1, 2008 11:25 AM
Sending you lots of love and strength.
Posted by: Little Willow at September 1, 2008 12:03 PM
You guys are some of my best cheerleaders. Thanks--it helps me a lot on hard days.
Posted by: adrienne at September 1, 2008 02:02 PM
Big hugs, Adrienne. I will try to remember the part about rechanneling anger toward Ms. Ciccone's Lotsa De Casha.
Posted by: Alkelda at September 1, 2008 02:41 PM
Give me an A! (A!)
Give me a D! (D!)
Give me an R I E N N E!
I celebrate our friendship.
I celebrate life.
Loss is hard in any and all forms. It is incredibly personal. I admire the fact that you're willing to share your story with all of us here at your blog. I wish I'd known him. I do, in a way, because he's part of you. Always will be.
Posted by: Little Willow at September 1, 2008 08:14 PM
YOU obviously take surviving very seriously. This is so dang good, tender, funny, painful, heartfelt and brave, Adrienne. Big thoughts of comfort and admiration to you....
Posted by: Liz Garton Scanlon at September 1, 2008 11:08 PM
Is there any uncheesy way to say that your bravery and wisdom is an inspiration, and that you're one of my real-life heroes? Probably not. But there it is.
Posted by: eisha at September 2, 2008 09:50 AM
I also love the channeling-anger bit. Madonna's always good for that.
Big 'ol hugs to you...the tee shirt over at Sara's blog today, which YOU MUST OWN, will cheer you up.
Posted by: jules at September 2, 2008 10:44 AM
Alkelda, You know what makes me feel better? I'm going to see you NEXT WEEK! WOOOO!
Little Willow, I celebrate you, too. You always know the right thing to say.
Liz and Eisha, I used to feel weird about being called "brave," but I find I've grown into it. People telling me I'm brave has helped me BE brave.
Jules, I so totally bought that shirt. And another one that says "Idioms are for the birds." How have I lived without these shirts for so long. (Cue Tammy saying, "I thought you said you couldn't buy anymore t-shits." BUT THEY ARE SO COOL. I COULD NOT HELP MYSELF.)
Posted by: adrienne at September 2, 2008 04:42 PM
Oh my, I might have to get the idiom one, too. I MUST have the hyperbole one, since it is the COOLEST shirt I've ever, ever, ever, EVER seen. And the most supreme.
Posted by: jules at September 2, 2008 09:00 PM
This may be the heart of why you and I get along so well, Jules. Some people just don't understand how awesome everything is. Or terrible. Sometimes things are also really awfully terrible.
Posted by: adrienne at September 2, 2008 10:00 PM
Clearly you needed a new awesome t-shirt to go with the awesome yoga pants.
Posted by: tonderdo at September 3, 2008 04:20 PM
Thatnks for the advice. I've put detailed comments on my blog.
Posted by: The Anonymous Widower at June 29, 2009 02:18 AM
It's SO important to take care of yourself - to eat well, to see your friends, to get counseling if you need it, to get out in the world. I found living alone once my youngest child went to college to be tough.
It gets better, though! It's been three years - hang tough, if you're in the worst of it.
Posted by: Shellbeth at November 3, 2009 04:17 PM