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March 17, 2009
“Does Not Happen”
“Reality so often fails when it comes to small, satisfying details, she thought.”
- Nation by Terry Pratchett
Lately, I’ve been reading the much-discussed-and-awarded Nation by Terry Pratchett. I’ve never met a Pratchett novel I didn’t enjoy, but this one has grown particularly dear to me. It’s the story of Mau, the only person left alive in his community when a tidal wave tears through the island chain he and his people call home. As Mau tries to cope with the devastation and then reluctantly takes on a leadership role when survivors from other communities start congregating on his island, he decides that no one else is going to die. He develops a mantra: “does not happen.” He mutters this mantra to himself over and over whenever he feels he has to defy the god of death, a god he’s decided isn’t so all-powerful after all. The opposite of “does not happen,” of course, is what does, and that is what Mau is really clinging to. In the face of despair, some people give up. Some, like Mau, take comfort in the notion that while they clearly can’t control everything, they can control some things—and darn it, that’s what they’re going to do.
(It isn’t a leap to see the parallel to a novelist who decides to keep writing in the face of a devastating degenerative disease, is it? Talk about being brave.)
I bring this up because I bought a dishwasher today. Maybe this is a small thing in your world, but, in mine, this is the first major appliance I’ve bought in a decade. It won’t be delivered until next week, but I felt so good just walking out of Sears with my receipt. When my late husband was first ill, I told myself everything would work out. When it became clear to me that everything was NOT going to work out, I started singing myself a new song, a version of “does not happen” that I like to call “I’ll figure it out.” This has been especially true of my house, which is a place I love but also something a little out of my league. I’ve panicked a lot through the years; I’ve had days where I thought I should just sell it and move into an apartment. But what I keep telling myself is that if I keep working hard and moving forward, I’ll figure it out. The dishwasher in this house sucked the day we moved in here (eight years ago now?). Replacing it myself with money I earned feels like hope. It feels like a step in the right direction. Maybe it will all be okay after all.
If not? I’ll figure it out. That’s what happens.
Books mentioned:
Pratchett, Terry. Nation. NY: HarperCollins, 2008. (LIB: 9780061433023, HC: 9780061433016)
Posted by adrienne at March 17, 2009 09:55 PM
Comments
I was saying this to a friend just the other day. SO MUCH is out of control that right now I'm taking one thing I can do, and controlling the heck out of it. If that's a clean bathroom, cool. If that's a new dishwasher, excellent. Kudos to you -- I know how hard it is to make a choice and go in there and do it yourself, and walk away and believe that you've made the right call and that it's going to be fine. You WILL figure it out.
I've been scared to read Nation... I kept thinking, "Oh, no, his last book," but as he says, using the immortal words of Granny Weatherwax: "I aint’nt dead yet." And so, I shall pick it up and give myself a treat.
Posted by: tanita at March 18, 2009 07:03 AM
Tanita, I hope things start feeling more under control for you soon. That out-of-control feeling is hard to deal with. I think the truth is that things are generally out of our control most of the time, but sometimes we just notice it more than others. That thought is both comforting and disturbing.
I started out listening to Nation--and it's an excellent recording--but then I switched to the book so I could read a chapter here and a chapter there, kind of savor it.
Posted by: adrienne at March 18, 2009 07:48 AM
Cheers for *every*thing that dishwasher purchase stood for.
Do you know I've never, ever read a Pratchett novel? I'm a poseur of a librarian, I think.
Posted by: jules at March 18, 2009 09:48 AM
Kudos to you on the dishwasher purchase, Adrienne.
I loved Nation. I listened to it, so I didn't end up reviewing it (I like to be able to flip back through the book when I review - that's one downside of audiobooks). But I thought that it was amazing.
Posted by: Jen Robinson at March 18, 2009 05:33 PM
Jules, We won't take your MLS away, I promise.
Jen, Sometimes when I listen to something, I'll get the book just to see how names and places are spelled, especially with fantasies. It bothers me not knowing.
Posted by: adrienne at March 18, 2009 09:55 PM
My mantra has been similar but it came from Dorie in Nemo: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."
Yay for the new dishwasher!
Posted by: tonderdo at March 20, 2009 11:40 AM
Tam, Your mantra needs to be, "Do National Board stuff. Do National Board stuff." ;)
Posted by: adrienne at March 20, 2009 03:15 PM
The dishwasher is a luxury I will never, ever take for granted. When I was growing up, I told my parents how much I wanted us to have a dishwasher. They said, "We already have a dishwasher-- you!" Ho boy, did they think they were funny.
I've been thinking of those out-of-my-control things lately, and am so frustrated that I cannot just will my dear ones well. That's when things start getting really, really clean and tidy.
Posted by: Saints and Spinners at March 20, 2009 05:13 PM
I kind of like Tammy's take,just keep swimming, from Nemo(another favorite movie of mine).
And that's exactly what you've been doing in the years since Bri's been gone,kept going on no matter what,making decisions I'm sure you'd rather not make alone, but doing it anyway...you're a survivor Adrienne, in all the ways it counts.Being a strong person is an important part of who you are too, though at times I'm sure, you get tired of being strong.
Like one of your friends said, kudos to you on the new dishwasher,an appliance all us women need and want, you deserve it kiddo!!
Posted by: Bri's Mom at March 20, 2009 06:26 PM
Thanks, Linda. You'd know about surviving, doing it yourself and all. :) I put a postcard in the mail to you guys the other day, by the way. Hopefully you'll get it soon!
Farida, When I'm feeling out-of-control, what I *really* like to do is throw things out. It almost always makes me feel better.
Posted by: adrienne at March 21, 2009 11:31 AM
I'm going home now to throw things. I mean, throw things *out*. ;) Great post, chickie!
Posted by: JJ at March 26, 2009 06:23 PM
Well, JJ, sometimes throwing stuff helps, too. Just kind of depends on the problem. ;)
Posted by: adrienne at March 26, 2009 09:50 PM