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July 18, 2009
July
The July a year after Brian’s death, I saw his uncle at our hometown’s carnival. He said he was sorry he’d been out of touch, that he didn’t know how to handle these things, that all he could do was ride his motorcycle until he felt better. “You have to find something,” he said.
I didn’t tell him that I knew, that I drove at night when I couldn’t sleep, when I was restless on long afternoons. I’d drive the edges of expressways out to roads where I didn’t have to see anyone, music blaring, until I got too tired to think anymore.
Five years later, dismay still puts me in my car. The other day, when I found out that I had strep throat for the second time in two weeks, I got mad at everything my body wasn’t going to let me do. I drove as far as I could think, until hunger forced me back among people. I stopped at the Brockport Wegmans and got some pasta salad and ate it in my car, where I couldn’t infect anyone. Sitting there, I remembered another hot July day, twenty years before, when that lot was new, introducing my father to Brian, who was wrangling carts. “This is Brian Furness,” I said. “He’s a grade ahead of me at school.” Like it was no big deal.
That led to another July and another and another until the one we spent in the living room, Brian trying to tell me what it was like to be alive in a body that was dying all around him.
In the present, I knew it was time to go home and take Advil and drink my fluids and rest. I finished my salad, I turned up my radio, and I took the long way back.
Posted by adrienne at July 18, 2009 10:26 AM
Comments
I just can't imagine your loss, Adrienne. I can see how driving can be therapeutic. I like to drive too. That's one of the things about being the UAE that has sucked for me. Driving is crazytown here and I've never been able to relax and be comfortable with it. Hope you are feeling better soon.
Posted by: Cheryl at July 18, 2009 11:25 AM
Ugh. Every Spring break and the first two weeks of every summer was spent with me with strep from about grade five until I was a high school junior. It is with awe that I experience health this July. Somehow, the whole thing worked itself out. But I never knew why it came or why it went away. Hate that.
People wonder why Americans can't seem to give up their automobiles -- it's just sometimes the only way of getting away -- all by yourself -- with a metal skin between you and the rest of the world.
Hang in there.
Posted by: tanita at July 18, 2009 01:47 PM
I know I should treasure every moment, but July is my least favorite month of the year. It just is. I'm usually happy when it's just over already.
I can relate to driving to get away from everyone. But, even if I pick a spot in which I think no one's around and I just want to sit in silence, I eventually worry someone will show up. I still say I wish my superpower could be invisibility. Wouldn't that be nice sometimes?
And wow: How old were you again when you met Brian?
Posted by: Jules at July 18, 2009 05:46 PM
I am kind of a naturally wimpy driver, so it's funny I find this therapeutic, but I think the key is getting AWAY. Some of my drives in CA were like that, days where I encountered very few people and talked to virtually no one. I wouldn't want to live my life that way, but I enjoy it every once in a while.
Jules, I met Brian when we were in junior high, but we didn't start dating until I was 16 and he was 17, right before senior year (he had been a year ahead of me, but I wound up joining their class).
Posted by: adrienne at July 18, 2009 06:28 PM
I vividly remember that July with post-it notes in a parked pinto, then Darien Lake on a cold wet day and driving said pinto back to Kendall with a couple 2x4s and a backpack wedged behind the driver's seat because the seat was not adjustable (Brian had not fixed that yet). There were several late night drives that summer too.
Posted by: tonderdo at July 18, 2009 06:42 PM
I know what you've been through, and how tough it was, for you, and for all of us that miss him. You deserve a big hug, and I'll give you one when I see you this week. Driving has always helped me to think things out or just to zone out when I needed it, for some reason it just seems to help.Hugs and love to you from me and Don.
Posted by: Bri's Mom at July 18, 2009 10:43 PM
When is your book coming out? Not the one about homeschooling. No, the one that you are writing the initial chapters of right here?
Posted by: Jeffrey Lee at July 19, 2009 04:50 AM
Tam, We were really young then.
Linda, Thanks--I'm looking forward to breakfast!
Jeffrey, You give me courage. I'm working on the novel, but I want to try this, too.
Posted by: adrienne at July 19, 2009 10:37 AM
Nice entry-- well-written and effective :). You are a good writer.
Posted by: jp at July 20, 2009 09:21 PM
You are my hero for many reasons. I may be older then you, but I sure as hell look up to you. Enough said.
Posted by: Kristen at July 21, 2009 03:57 PM
Thanks, Jason.
Kristen, And here I feel like pretty much everyone else has it *way* more together than I do. Funny how that is. I get my strength from my peeps, though, no doubt about it. You all keep me going.
Posted by: adrienne at July 21, 2009 10:21 PM
Like Jules, I find July and August difficult months. The memories of untimely deaths press down. But your post just reminded me that late June/early July was the month in which I got together with my husband. So, I guess high summer isn't all bad.
I'm sorry you have another case of strep throat. I'm sending St. Blaise to your house with a miracle cure, PRONTO. (Besides the antibiotics.)
Big hugs.
Posted by: Saints and Spinners at July 22, 2009 12:08 AM
I have also been cleaning EVERYTHING in an effort to kill any stray germs that may be floating around.
Posted by: adrienne at July 22, 2009 12:22 PM