July 09, 2008
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 10
[Ed. Note: Amidala’s last entry found the queen questioning the fairness of dynasties while simultaneously hatching a plan to retake Naboo from the evil clutches of the Trade Federation. Read the rest of Queen Amidala’s Diary here.]
Long Time Ago
Naboo
calores: 376, alcohol units: 3 (helps my blasting), cans hairspray, me: 0, cans hairspray, decoy: 2.5, winning lotto numbers: still nothing
Oh my Creator, that was awesome. I was awesome. I bet all those I-Was-Born-Queen-and-I-Get-to-Be-Queen-Forever-No-Matter-What-I-Do Queens can’t kick half as much ass as I can. Not that anyone appreciates it, but whatever.
Things started off pretty bad because Qui-Gon insisted on bringing Obi-Wan AND the kid AND R2. Maybe next time we try to sneak into the palace, we should bring a marching band. Anyway, we pretty much just got into the palace when we ran into this guy with a red and black face and these little horns or something sticking out of his head. He was gross. Qui-Gon was all like, “We’ll take care of this.” And I was all like, “Great, because I just threw up a little in my mouth.”
We used the whole queen decoy thing to capture the Viceroy. That trick is never going to get old, although I’m always a little insulted that people buy that Sabé is me. I mean, she’s a little hippy. I have to tell her to lay off my M&Ms. Of course, the thing that really saved us was the blaster in the secret compartment in my throne that Captain Panaka told me was such a bad idea. Queen=1, Panaka=0. Really, though, capturing the Viceroy was kind of easy, considering this is someone who took over my entire planet in, like, five minutes just last week. Speaking of which, I cannot believe the mess the Trade Federation made of my palace in just seven days. It’s like they had a non-stop kegger: there are empty bottles everywhere, the trash cans are all overflowing, and I swear it’s going to take me a month to air the place out. Not that that’s going to be much of a problem, what with the fact that practically every window in the palace got broken with all the battles and whatnot. There goes the money for that new starship I’ve been wanting to buy.
So we have the Viceroy in detainment, and I’m waiting for Mr. Big Shot Jedi to show up again, because don’t think he’s even bothered to check to make sure I’m okay yet. I suppose I’d better go find him. He and Panaka are probably out having beers in the courtyard. I don’t know why I even bother.
Posted by adrienne at 12:59 PM | Comments (4)
June 05, 2008
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 9
[Ed. Note: When we last left the queen, she was attempting to recover from a kidnapping, a botched rescue, dry hair, and occasional lapses in judgment. On the bright side, Amidala was able to rope the Gungans into helping her kick the Trade Federation off Naboo. You can read more of Queen Amidala’s diary here.]
Long Time Ago
Naboo
calories: 580, alcohol units: 2, cans hair spray: 0, winning lotto numbers: I can’t find a place to buy a ticket.
When I was in Queen School, one of my teachers told me that great leaders are made, not born.
What a load of Bantha-crap. When I was on Coruscant, I heard that the queens on all the other planets are born queens and get to rule until they die. No one elects them, and no one expects them to do anything. I mean, what the hell? I have to do every-freaking-thing around here.
So I called the royal nail lady to get a quick mani-pedi before we retake the palace, and she was all, “We’re under siege. Do you really think this is the best time for a manicure?” And I was like, “I know I’m good with a blaster and everything, but do you know how seriously people take a queen with chipped polish? Not a bit, that’s how much.”
She still said no.
So now all the history books are going to be like, “And Queen Amidala led her army of smelly Gungans into battle looking like crap, which is why she finally got voted out of office.”
Great. Just great.
The Viceroy of the Trade Federation is going to pay for this.
Posted by adrienne at 04:28 PM | Comments (3)
March 07, 2007
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 8
Long Time Ago
Naboo
bags Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms: ½ (screw the Trade Federation – I smuggled in my own), alcohol units: 0, cans hair spray: 0, winning lotto numbers: lotto suspended due to sudden occupation
I hate my life.
I decided to blow my handmaiden cover today, and no one even looked surprised. I was all like, “Hello, guys, I’M THE QUEEN. Once more with feeling this time.” They just looked bored. I need to get a better entourage.
I did wind up asking the Gunguns for help with the whole war thing, though, and they totally went for it. Those Gunguns aren’t so bad. I mean, they smell, but it turns out they all hate Jar Jar, too, which really makes you wonder why he’s still here. Anyway, it also turns out that I am a freaking brilliant politician, so yay me!
Qui-Gon’s going on and on about how we have to go retake the palace and blah, blah, blah, blah. On the upside, I get to shoot things. That’s always fun.
[Editor's Note: Don't miss Queen Amidala's other prequel entries -- Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and Part 7.]
Posted by adrienne at 09:34 AM | Comments (3)
December 28, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 7
Long Time Ago
Royal Starship
calories: Who cares?, alcohol units: Who cares?, cans hair spray: Who cares?, winning lotto numbers: Who cares?
I am so screwed, and not in a good way. Well, even that kind of screwing is only good one out of every few times. I was reading an article in Cosmo the other day that said that a woman is responsible for her own orgasm, and it made me wonder why I involve men in the whole thing at all.
Anyway, this stupid Trade Federation thing WILL NOT go away. And Qui-Gon told me that I can’t go back to the palace. Where, exactly, am I supposed to go? I started to get angry, and Qui-Gon got all, “You need to learn to control your anger.” Blah, blah, blah. I’ve got news for him: I’m not a Jedi, and if this keeps up, the Viceroy is not going to be the only one feeling it when I decide to start kicking some ass. I'm so sick of the whole thing, and these Jedi are no help at all.
I’m thinking about asking the Gungans for help. I know, I know, they smell, but they’ll make good cannon fodder, and, let’s face it, the Naboo military sucks. Just look at the way it took the Trade Federation about 10 minutes to take over the planet and kidnap me. It’s embarrassing. No wonder no other queens will hang out with me.
[Editor's Note: Don't miss Queen Amidala's other prequel entries -- Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 6.]
Posted by adrienne at 09:24 PM | Comments (3)
November 12, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 6
Long Time Ago
Royal Starship
calories: 1100, alcohol units: 1, cans hair spray: 0, winning lotto numbers: 2
Okay, so, I decided to get all self-righteous and make a big announcement about how I was going to go home and suffer with my people, and so who decides to come along? Yeah, that’s right: Qui-Gon. AND Obi-Wan AND the kid AND freaking Jar Jar.
Then a few hours ago Qui-Gon corners me and goes into this long story about how he’s had this on-and-off thing going with some Jedi named Depa Billaba for a couple years and that technically she broke up with him but he’s still hoping that things will work out and so he doesn’t want the other night to mean anything, even though – DUH! – of course it means SOMETHING, but whatever. I didn’t say that. *I’m* not the one who wants to chit-chat about the whole thing. *I’m* the one who decided that going into a war zone was preferable to running into him in the halls on Coruscant, which has, of course, completely backfired on me just like everything else.
If anyone had any idea what my life was really like, they’d totally elect a new Queen.
Besides all that, aren’t these Jedi supposed to be celibate? Are they all running around having sex with each other and anyone else who happens along?
Ew, ew, ew. Was just thinking of the Jedi Council. Bad mental images there. Maybe it’s time to go find another drink.
[Editor's Note: Don't miss Queen Amidala's other prequel entries -- Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5.]
Posted by adrienne at 01:54 AM | Comments (1)
October 21, 2006
Queen Amidala's Diary, Prequal 2, Part 2 (Unearthed by Regular watat.com Reader Emily Kenna)
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
calories: 1500; alcohol units: 7; cans of hairspray: 1; winning lotto numbers: 3; disgusting critters: 2
These Jedi are so far behind the 8 ball! They were out in the parlor bickering while these disgusting 1000 legged critters nearly killed me!!!! Shut up and draw your lightsabers! Obi Wan is still trying to get me into bed, he thought it'd be so impressive and daring to jump out the window on the device that released those horrific bugs into my room...in his dreams! I'll give Anakin this, he can drive. He saved his "master's" ass again...
After that Jedi blunder, I'm being sent home and I have to take Anakin with me. He's a whiny baby with one hell of an ego, "the one who will bring balance to the force" who does he think he is? Mace Windu? (Ooh...he's a hottie...) Sure, the council needs Windu, too busy as a master to protect me...plus, I'm going home, where is the danger?? Aside from going home means it could be a day's drive to get Cherry Garcia. The council is paranoid - maybe they all want to sleep with me...Mace, come to mama!
The journey was brutal. I have a headache from all of Anakin's whining about what he's given up as a Jedi and he keeps giving me these creepy stalker eyes. I'm still trying to figure out why R2's presence is supposed to be comforting. He couldn't spot the critters either - and he was in my room! When we arrived at home Anakin tried to order me about as to where the safest place to go would be. Excuse me! This is my home - I know the best places to hang, he thinks he's in charge and he's so wrong. And if he gives me those puppy dog eyes one more time, I'll have to blast him!
Where are the margaritas???
Posted by adrienne at 06:01 PM | Comments (1)
September 07, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 5
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
calories: who knows?, alcohol units: who knows?, cans hair spray: 0 (and I look like crap), winning lotto numbers: 0
So I went over to have some drinks with Qui-Gon last night and one thing led to another and, well.
Now everything’s awkward.
Yay to Jedi stamina, though. Impressive.
I’m thinking about making up some excuse to go home. Between Palpatine and the endless freaking Senate meetings, Coruscant is starting to lose its shine. Jar Jar’s been following me around, too, no matter how many times I tell him I’m too busy to talk. I’m just going to stuff my suitcase with the essentials, hop on the cruiser, and go back to where I’m the ruler of everything – even if everything has, technically, all gone to hell. It’s not like I’m doing any good hanging around here sleeping with Jedi.
I swear, why me?
[Queen Amidala's Diary, The Prequel, Part 6]
Posted by adrienne at 08:58 AM | Comments (9)
August 18, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 4
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
calories: 1046, alcohol units: 2, cans hair spray: 1, winning lotto numbers: 3 (two on one ticket, one on the other, but still)
That slave kid? Not so bad. Totally got us out of a bind.
And I’m feeling way better since we got here. It’s amazing what a couple drinks and a little conditioner can do.
Saw Mace Windu on the way in. He was telling us this crazy story about how he just got back from saving all these people who were stuck with a bunch of kouhuns on a cruiser. Such a stitch! I’ve always wondered about that purple lightsaber, though. Red’s bad and blue’s good, right? It’s like he’s a little bit good guy and a little bit rock-and-roll or something. Who knows with the Jedi? They’re all nuts. Just look at Obi-Wan’s hair.
Freaking Palpatine’s here, of course, staring at my boobs, as per usual. It’s like, “HELLO! I’m not wearing this padded bra for your benefit, old man.” He’s just like a used speeder salesman, I swear. I can’t believe that the same population that elected me elected HIM.
Oh, gotta go. That kid dropped by again. You know, he's kind of annoying, but he’s also kind of cute.
[Queen Amidala's Diary, The Prequel, Part 5]
Posted by adrienne at 01:09 AM | Comments (5)
May 17, 2006
Queen Amidala's Diary, Prequal 2, Part 1 (Unearthed by Regular watat.com Reader Emily Ciampa)
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
calories: 800; alcohol units: 2; cans of hairspray: 0; winning lotto numbers: 0; dead body doubles: 1
Ick! Had to fly my own bloody ship (although I love the low maintenance do) to this "important" vote on Couruscant because someone is trying to kill me...being kidnapped by the trade federation then forced to the ass end of the universe with a kid and a couple of incompetant Jedi wasn't enough!
So happy to step down as queen - someone else can figure out how to get Cherry Garcia and dark chocolate peaunut M&Ms on Naboo. I'm such a sucker, can't believe I let the queen elect talk me into being a senator. The alterantive was Jar Jar representing all of the peoples of Naboo...blink...twitch...more of a threat than a request to serve. Anyway...
Corde snuffed it because my overprotective security was right...I hate that. The body double position is getting more and more difficult to fill. Yoda and the other Jedi are supposed to be all powerful but couldn't even figure out who's after me...isn't that what the force is for?? Hello!!!
Arrived at my flat hoping to take a hot shower and a nap, Jar Jar was there. How many times do I have to tell him that I am NEVER going to sleep with him?
Obi Wan showed up to "guard" me, I knew he wanted me...so not happening, he can't even fix a hyperdrive! Anakin was with him, can't believe that kid grew up into a Jedi, seems like the same mama's boy he was the last time I saw him, but determined to find out who is trying to kill me. He must want me too. Why do I always attract the psychos?
At least I can get Cherry Garcia AND dark chocolate peanut M&Ms here.
Posted by adrienne at 08:57 AM | Comments (0)
May 08, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 3
Long Time Ago
Tatooine
calories: 640, alcohol units: 0, cans hair spray: 0, winning lotto numbers: 0 (they don’t even have a lotto on Tatooine)
Guardians of peace and justice. HA! Laurel and Hardy is more like it.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that they broke my ship, they had to stop on the most Creator-forsaken planet in the galaxy to fix it. Don’t even get me started. This place is all sand and has *two* suns. My hair is like straw, and if I don’t get some moisturizer, I’m going to wind up looking worse than the Viceroy. Don’t these people know there are other planets in the universe?
Now Qui-Gon’s decided it’s a good idea to gamble on some freaking slave kid to get the parts to repair my ship. If things don’t start looking up, I’m totally bribing someone to take me to a planet where, for instance, slavery isn’t still legal. That would be a fun change. At this point, I’d be better off with the Wookies on Kashyyyk.
[Queen Amidala's Diary, The Prequel, Part 4]
Posted by adrienne at 01:17 AM | Comments (1)
April 22, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 2
Long Time Ago
Royal Starship
calories: 0, alcohol units: 0, cans hair spray: 0, winning lotto numbers: 0
Yeah, so, I wound up getting kidnapped by the Trade Federation. They sure didn’t cover *that* in Queen School. It was all you’ll-have-pretty-things-and-rule-our-peaceful-little-world. I don’t remember them saying anything about how the creepy Viceroy of the Trade Federation might up and decide to kidnap me for no apparent reason.
Typical.
I’m one step ahead of those losers, though. When I heard blasters, I ran off with the handmaidens and switched places with one of them. Good thing I keep wigs around for emergency use.
Anyway, the Viceroy had his cronies dragging the whole lot of us to one of their prison camps when the two Jedi who were *supposed* to be clearing up this whole misunderstanding finally decided to show up and “rescue” me. By “rescue,” I mean, “They took me away on my own starship and broke the hyperdrive.” They also picked up the planet’s most annoying Gungan, and now he won’t leave me alone. He says his name is Jar Jar. I really can't tell what the hell else he’s saying, and, besides that, he stinks. I think he might actually be growing some sort of fungus from spending so much time in the water. Those Gungans are disgusting. I swear.
Of course, Sabé is enjoying this whole posing-as-the-Queen thing waaaaaay too much. She just ordered me to clean up this filthy stinking little droid, but, you know, whatever. He can’t talk, and he smells better than Jar Jar. I guess you have to take what you can get on a day like today.
[Queen Amidala's Diary, The Prequel, Part 3]
Posted by adrienne at 03:42 PM | Comments (5)
April 15, 2006
Queen Amidala’s Diary, The Prequel, Part 1
Long Time Ago
Naboo
calories: 1320, alcohol units: 2, cans hair spray: 1, winning lotto numbers: 0
I swear. I asked for a wash-and-wear haircut, and *this* is what I got. One of these days I’m just going to shave it all off. Show them. “Tradition, tradition, tradition, blah, blah, blah.”
Whatever.
If I didn’t have to spend four freaking hours having my hair and makeup done every day, maybe I could concentrate on this deal with the Trade Federation. The whole thing’s a total bummer. First off, and I know I’m not supposed to think like this being a queen and all, but the Viceroy of the Trade Federation? Ug-ly. The sooner I can stop talking to him, the better. But I can’t even figure out why they’re blockading the planet. I mean, HELLO, we’re NABOO. We hardly even do any trading. All I care about is getting a regular stock of Cherry Garcia and Peanut M&M’s, and, seriously, if they’re going to make such a big deal about it, I’m sure I can pay someone to smuggle it in. Problem solved.
You know, I think I hear blaster fire. This can’t be good. I need another drink.
[Queen Amidala's Diary, The Prequel, Part 2]
Posted by adrienne at 01:06 AM | Comments (8)
December 26, 2005
Queen Amidala’s Diary, Part 6
Long Time Ago
Naboo Skiff
Calories: 300 (brought a bag of regular peanut M&M’s, couldn’t find any dark chocolate), number glasses milk: 0, winning lotto numbers: 0
I have a bad feeling about this.
And C3PO won’t shut up for a freaking minute. At least I can’t understand half of what Jar-Jar says when he goes on and on, but I can’t tune out 3P0’s endless monologue about how his sensors show that there are three life forms on the ship. I keep telling him that – DUH! – I’m pregnant, but he just won’t let it go.
Anakin’s on this planet called Mustafar. We’re orbiting it now. I don’t know why he came here for Botox. This isn’t the kind of place where you set up a spa. I mean, I’ve never had a hot rock massage before, but this can’t be right. Hot liquid magma’s more like it, and this is going to be total hell on my hair. I keep trying to convince 3PO to help me braid it, but he keeps saying that he doesn’t think I understand the seriousness of our situation and that I need to listen to some message we got from Bail. Whatever. Frizzy hair never helped anything.
Maybe I should have stayed home with Obi-Wan.
[Note from The Other Queen: Read ALL of Queen Amidala's diary entries using the "Queen Amidala's Diary" category in the drop-down menu on the sidebar. Also don't miss our new "Recipes" category. I also spent some quality time catching up on responding to all the days' worth of comments I'd gotten behind on while I was sick/celebrating the holiday.]
Posted by adrienne at 12:54 PM | Comments (2)
July 07, 2005
Queen Amidala’s Diary, Part 5
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
Calories: 4427 (stress + pregnancy = bad), number glasses milk: 0, winning lotto numbers: 2 (closer!)
Oh. My. God. I thought Obi-Wan had a thing for me, but I had no idea. He just came to the apartment with some story about how Anakin’s been killing kids or something. As if I’m going to fall for that one. Exactly how desperate is he?
Come to think of it, I don’t really know why Anakin’s been gone so long on that special mission. How hard is to find Botox? Why did he leave the planet anyway? Can’t you get Botox here?
Maybe he’s mad at me. I did kind of lose it earlier when he dropped by without any Cherry Garcia or dark chocolate peanut M&M’s. But, you know, I’m gestating here. I have hormones. Give me a break.
I know. I’ll throw on that little skirt-with-leggings thing he likes so much and take the cruiser out to find him. I’ll just have to suck in the baby gut a little. It’s hard to be sexy when you’re pregnant.
Posted by adrienne at 09:58 PM | Comments (1)
June 12, 2005
Queen Amidala’s Diary, Part 4
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
Calories: 1560, number glasses milk: 3, winning lotto numbers: 0
Chancellor Palpatine looks like shit. “Hideously disfigured” doesn’t even cover it.
Anakin says it’s because Mace Windu tried to murder the Chancellor. I don’t know. Now Anakin’s all on about some “special mission” Palpatine wants him to do. I hope he’s getting Palpatine some freaking Botox or something. I mean, we can replace limbs and encase burn victims in black plastic suits to keep them alive. They must make an ointment for Palpatine's deal. Jeez.
The whole disfigurement thing did make the senate meeting more interesting than usual. Senator Organa and I were writing notes back and forth the whole time arguing about how many species in the room were actually uglier than the Chancellor. That Bail is a stitch. Too bad he’s married.
Of course, Palpatine was going on and on about how evil the Jedi are (as if I didn’t know, esp. since one knocked me up) and how he’s creating some new Empire thingey. If they can figure out how to get Cherry Garcia to Naboo, I’m all for it.
Posted by adrienne at 10:34 PM | Comments (6)
June 08, 2005
Queen Amidala’s Diary, Part 3
Long Time Ago
Coruscant
Calories: lost track, pints Cherry Garcia: 3 (yay, center of the galaxy!), number times vomited: 0 (yay, second trimester!), winning lotto numbers: 0 (damn)
Guess who finally wrote? Yes, Mr. I’m-a-Great-Jedi-and-Live-in-My-Own-Little-Self-Absorbed-World. Don’t think he asked how I was or anything, because he didn’t. This is what he wrote: “New assignment. Meet me on Coruscant.” Nice. I hopped a starship, but I don’t know what makes him think he can be so bossy. Someone should tell him Jedi mind tricks don’t work via email.
So I guess I’ll tell him about the baby when he gets here, not that he won’t be able to tell. I’m not getting boobs like everyone says you do, but my stomach is popping out at an alarming rate. Good thing I already have plenty of those long, flowy numbers to wear.
Anyway, if Anakin’s such a great Jedi, don’t you think he’d already know? “The Chosen One.” Right. They don’t sleep with him.
God, it’s time for a Senate meeting. Boooorrrring. At least Jar Jar isn’t here.
Posted by adrienne at 09:35 PM | Comments (4)
May 27, 2005
Queen Amidala’s Diary, Part 2
Long Time Ago
Naboo
calories: 1530, milk units: 3, number times vomited: 1, winning lotto numbers: 0
Am writing in the dark as have lights off and curtains closed so Jar Jar won’t know I’m home. Why couldn’t Anakin kill *him* instead of those stupid Sandpeople or Jawas or whatever? Oh, yeah, that’s because he’s on some stupid mission with Master Kenobi and hasn’t written or called for weeks now. HELLO! I’m a QUEEN! You know, I think Master Kenobi had a thing for me. And he would totally call no matter what the heck was going on.
Of course, he wouldn’t marry me, either, because he is not flirting with evil the way Anakin is.
Why is life so complicated?
Morning sickness sucks. Would kill for some Cherry Garcia. Am loving new dark chocolate peanut M&M’s, though.
Posted by Amidala at 05:33 PM | Comments (4)
May 19, 2005
Queen Amidala's Diary
Long Time Ago
Naboo
calories: 840 (can’t get Ben & Jerry’s here since we had that problem with the Trade Federation, v. annoying), alcohol units: 1 (really needed it), winning lotto numbers: 0
Am pregnant. Came home to figure out what to do. Knew I’d pay for night of passion on Tatooine. Should have known Anakin was an emotional fuckwit when he slaughtered that entire village, but they were just Sandpeople. Or were they Jawas? Whatever. Can’t keep the species on that planet straight. He seemed really sorry, though. Cried and everything.
Anakin’s eyes have been glowing lately. I think maybe he’s turning evil. Also hasn’t taken out the trash for weeks, and I had to call Master Yoda over to clear the drain in the bathroom. Lightsabers are dead useful for that.
Oh, God. Jar Jar just rung up. He’s coming over. Think he has crush on me. May need to go into hiding with unborn children – I mean, child.
Posted by adrienne at 10:32 AM | Comments (1)